I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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