She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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