my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize