I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
