My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize