Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
