All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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