whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize