i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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