just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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