You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
