I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
