I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
