I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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