and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
