I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize