He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
