I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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