I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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