Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
When are your genitals available?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize