i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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