I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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