Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
