My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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