Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
