We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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