Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
