Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize