Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
