i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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