yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
