at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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