I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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