Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell her she can't have a vagina
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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