i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
