Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
