i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
