Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
