I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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