New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Send help, water and tortillas.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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