I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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