Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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