Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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