Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
