We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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