someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
