I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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