Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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