New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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