So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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