the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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