shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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