I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
