i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he puts the penis in happiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
