so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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