You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
