my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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